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I give up. What the hell am I doing wrong?! I think I might just have to hand training over to my staff. But wait! What if now that we are playing only once a week the lads won’t be so tired and do better in training. Let us see.
We lost almost £77k last month. Still have over £12.5m in the bank.
Still Untouchable, up to 93% now. Hot damn! I am awesome. (Never mind the Sugary Daddy stuff.)
No new tales to tell.
Some months back I worried how Marcus Thirlwell’s tutoring wasn’t really producing effects. I am happy to announce that his Determination is up to 9. His time with Macey should end around the middle of May so there is hope still that he hits the double digits.
I get an unusual loan offer on 4 May. A team called Swallownest F.C. who are way down in the 10th level of the English football pyramid want to take on U18s bench-rider Grant Appleton until the end of the season as a starting MC. They are fourth in their league and 8 points back from promotion with 3 matches to play. Godspeed, Grant. May they find victory from your feet.
Now let’s go get Chick Legg that clean-sheet record!
vs. St. Ives, 4 May 2019
Formation: Club (GK, DC r, DC c, DC l, WBR, WBL, MC r, MC c, MC l, ST r, ST l)
Starting XI: Legg, Pilcher, Spearing, Carroll, Parker, Jefcoate, Barlow, Smith, Nixon, Taylor, Kirkpatrick
Subs: Webb, Maguire, Nightingale, Harding, Hodgson, Duckett, Thirlwell
The match starts quickly and 27 seconds in Kemar gets tackled from behind in the box and Nixon comes in for the penalty shot, this time he gets it right. It takes just under 23 minutes to get our second goal. Kemar for some reason took the corner kick, sending it directly to Barlow who is nowhere near goal. Doesn’t matter. He launches one in from way out in right field, 25 yards away. Five minutes later Kemar gets that goal he was denied at the start, courtesy of a long-range pass from Jefcoate. Pilcher gets one from a free kick and our first half ends- Wait! Scratch that. Pilcher gets two from free kicks late in the first half. The man is on fire!
The final half of the match sees us move to the Diamond at 60’ and Kemar getting his brace after a hella-slow counterattack. He had two opportunities to get a trio but he was getting sloppy near the end. And Legg gets the clean-sheet record!
POM: Kemar Kirkpatrick (2 goals, 1 assist, 3 key passes, 1 chance created)
I was expecting an email after the match celebrating Legg’s 20th clean sheet. I did not receive one. All that misplaced hype…
Earlier in the morning my U18s had a friendly against the youths of a team called Chipping Sodbury. What a weird name! I would also say Swallownest F.C. is silly name. England be funny, yo.
Appleton accepts the offer to go out on loan. I wish him well and tell him it’s a chance to showcase his skills, to which he agrees. He’ll end up only getting two matches but Swallownest are on a righteous winning streak, 5 games, scoring 14 goals and conceding 1.
As the season end draws near, and the transfer window too, our players are starting to draw interest from teams higher up the pyramid. Namely, Exeter wants Spearing, Oxford for Kemar, Paul Taylor to Accrington, and Hereford lusts for Nightingale. I’m pretty open to these ideas but Kemar will only leave on a loan and Nightingale won’t leave at all as I feel Spearing and Carroll will leave.
It’s wonderful to have everyone with their Condition at 97% or higher. Well, except Macey, who’s working his way back from his twisted ankle.
at North Leigh, 11 May 2019
Formation: Spade (GK, DR, DC r, DC l, DL, MC r, MC l, AMR, AMC, AML, ST c)
Starting XI: Webb, Maguire, Spearing, Carroll, Al-Ziod, Cullen, Smith, Hodgson, Nixon, Duckett, Kirkpatrick
Subs: Legg, Parker, Day, Taylor, Jones, Thirlwell, Macey
A walk in the park, this one. We demoralize them with 3 goals in 6 minutes early on. They never really find their sea legs and we add two in the latter half to make sure they don’t get any crazy ideas.
POM: Mark Nixon (2 goals)
In a post-match press conference all the questions are about players leaving. Also, Webb’s agent comes asking for a new contract. Not today, bub, you’ve got two years left on your current contract. (And I really want to sell him off soon anyway.)
More transfer speculation comes rolling in. The fact that Norwich is linked to Kemar is interesting. They are mid-table Championship these days. We’re getting close to Premier League teams being interested. Nonetheless, I’d be willing to send him there on loan.
Before our Wimborne match Kemar is finally linked to a Premier team. It’s Newcastle, who are in the relegation zone with one last match to play. They need to beat Tottenham and West Brom need to lose to Southampton for that to happen.
I’m loving these weeks when we have only one match. Most of the players are either Superb or Fully Fit in their Sharpness. Today we are moving to the Club formation to get some MCs some extra work. The subs are chosen so we can switch to the Diamond for the final third of the match when we have the lead, naturally.
vs. Wimborne, 18 May 2019
Formation: Club (GK, DC r, DC c, DC l, WBR, WBL, MC r, MC c, MC l, ST r, ST l)
Starting XI: Legg, Pilcher, Spearing, Carroll, Parker, Al-Ziod, Bill Taylor, Barlow, Nixon, Rae, Kirkpatrick
Subs: Webb, Maguire, Day, Harding, Hodgson, Jones, Macey
Again our scoring starts with a Nixon penalty kick; it was Rae being fouled this time. However, that’s all the news that’s fit to print for the first half. Kemar is rating 6.4 and nobody else is in the 7s except Nixon. Ergo, “I am not happy with your performance out there.” It takes 8 minutes for Rae to respond to my admonition. Day picks one up in garbage time and Kemar ends with a 6.2 rating. I am not pleased. Wimborne get a goal in extra time because Barlow got lazy. I am pissed.
POM: Terry Barlow (1 assist, 3 key passes, 2 chances created)
How Barlow got the POM is beyond me. I also fine Kemar a week’s pay for his 6.2, which he accepts as fair.
Back to mid-week matches. I need a “grumposaurus” emoji.
Thirlwell’s mentoring by Macey comes to an end on 19 May. I deem it moderately successful. His Determination went from 4 to 9 and his Personality went from Balanced to Spirited. I’ll probably use Macey to mentor Meilir Pugh or Tommy Watkins next and then pay a revisit to Thriller. (Pugh and Tommy both have 11 Determination and Balanced personalities.) The squads’ personalities can rub off onto some players so I’m hoping that happens with Thriller to get his Determination into the double digits.
Our penultimate league match. Because we have a cup final on Saturday, the second stringers get their starts on Tuesday.
at Swindon Supermarine, 21 May 2019
Formation: Club
Starting XI: Webb, Nightingale, Day, Smith, Maguire, Jefcoate, Harding, Cullen, Thompson, Paul Taylor, Macey
Subs: Legg, Parker, Pilcher, McAdam, Jones, Duckett, Thirlwell
Another match where the first goal comes off a penalty. This time Harding gets the honor. It doesn’t take long for Taylor to get on the board too and things are going well. His brace comes from a classic Brixton move: Wait for two defenders to get confused and start debating on whose ball it is then pounce on the ball and score.
To start the second half the Supermarines out-Control us and get a farcical goal, their dude was feet offside. A few minutes later a prayer of a high lob by Maguire to short-stuff Macey results in the defenders on either side of Eddie holding him down. I let Eddie take the shot, denying Taylor his hat-trick, because Macey’s playing uninspired and needs the boost of confidence.
But then we allow a second goal from a free kick near the byline. Their left centreback outjumped Day and Thompson. I still switch to Diamond at 60’ and Macey’s header for goal comes 12 minutes later. How he was able to out leap the defender is beyond me. Their defender is 13cm taller and 3 points better in Jumping Reach.
POM: Paul Taylor (2 goals, 1 assist, 1 key pass, 1 chance created)
Oh goodie! A press conference. This one is for the Southern League Cup. The journalists kept asking questions about Totton’s manager. I don’t pay attention to other managers, especially this far down the pyramid. But I pretend like we’re friends. That seems to satisfy them.
There’s a cliché in the realm of NFL talking heads. It goes something like this: It’s hard to beat the same team three times in a season. I hope you’re sitting down when I drop this bombshell. NFL sportscasters are worthless and aren’t really that accurate. Shocking, I know. Totton does not have a prayer.
vs Totton, 25 May 2019
Formation: Spade (GK, DR, DC r, DC l, DL, MC r, MC l, AMR, AMC, AML, ST c)
Starting XI: Legg, Pilcher, Spearing, Carroll, Al-Ziod, Barlow, Taylor, Hodgson, Nixon, Duckett, Kirkpatrick
Subs: Webb, Parker, Nightingale, Smith, Jones, Taylor, Thirlwell
I start with the “Don’t it for the fans” speech, which motivates Kemar, Barlow, and Carroll. I hope that carries through to the match. In the tunnel a journo asks why Duckett get’s the Captain’s armband. “He merits it.”
My motivational speech does nothing. We can’t penetrate their defense and they hit us on the counter. Attacking we must go! Nine minutes later Hodgson misses a chance to equalize but the shot goes wide. A third of the way into the match Hodgson redeems himself by sending a short, simple pass to Kemar at the near post and he squeaks one in. Three minutes later Hodgson gets his second assist after sending a cross across the mouth of the goal to a wide-open Duckett. In the 38th Kemar once again fails to convert a 1-v-1. A minute later he makes up for it by sinking a Duckett pass. I think our opponents were expecting a cross to the opposite post as they left Kemar alone right in front of the goal. And we finish the half with a Duckett cross to the middle where Nixon is able to outleap everyone and head in a goal.
At the half I praise the crew and dial back on the aggressiveness. Everyone responds favorably to my praise but Carroll.
Twelve minutes into the second half Nixon receives a Barlow pass just to the right of the penalty spot, does a weird pirouette, and launches a screamer into the back of the net. I was going to swap him out at 65’ but now he’s on a hat trick! So then I take out Kemar (preservation), Spearing (yellow card), and The Jordanian Prince (low condition) for Thirlwell, Nightingale, and Parker.
And we win our first Southern League Cup!!!
POM: Daniel Duckett (1 goal, 2 assists, 4 key passes, 5 chances created)
Tottenham beat Manchester United 1-0 to win the FA Cup Final. I bring this up because the match took place at Wembley Stadium at 1500. We played at the same venue at the same time. Another ramification of using a non-official database to start your FM save.
Our next match is against Welling for the FA Trophy. Welling are 23rd of 24 teams in the Conference National and are going to get relegated. The scouting report on them is very favorable for us. They’ve only scored 33 goals all year and have been in poor form recently. They have a fairly decent squad but pales in comparison to ours. Most of their better players are loanees.
Around 18,000 spectators have arrived today. All I hear is “chi-ching” as we get half of the gate receipts. :-) Now to give them a performance! (Due to tiredness I’m not fielding the best squad. I hope that doesn’t bite me in the hindquarters.)
vs Welling, 28 May 2019
Formation: Club (GK, DC r, DC c, DC l, WBR, WBL, MC r, MC c, MC l, ST r, ST l)
Starting XI: Webb, Nightingale, Spearing, Carroll, Parker, Jefcoate, Harding, Smith, Cullen, Macey, Rae
Subs: Legg, Maguire, Pilcher, McAdam, Jones, Duckett, Kirkpatrick
My dressing room speech goes over like a fart in a church with nobody motivated and Carroll actually getting confused. What part of, “You deserve to win the trophy and I expect you to win it” is so confusing? Ingrates.
Well, at least Carroll’s confusion didn’t last long! In the 12th he hoofs one forward and as it flies over everyone’s head, Rae sprints after it, collects it, and sends the goalie one way but sends the ball the other way. Twenty minutes later it’s Carroll again, feeding Smith who gets an assist off Cullen’s goal. Teddy ran around a mass of people in front of the goal and surprised the goalie. Twas awesome.
We remain two up at the break and I tell the lads I’m proud. I warn Macey that he needs to do better. I also Calmly tell Nightingale not to pick up a second yellow.
Macey ain’t done nuttin’, actually getting worse but I really want Kemar to rest. At 68’ I go to the formation that is a girl’s best friend and take off Nightingale, Smith, and Carroll for Jones, Duckett, and Pilcher. And wholey moley, Macey scores on a breakaway initiated by Pilcher’s long boot forward. The goal was a beauty, going over the goalies fingers but below the crossbar. Ten minutes later, Macey is showing me my doubting is unfounded, kicking in a close-range Rae pass that he headed down from a Jones cross.
YES!!! Another trophy for Brixton and the lads!
POM: Alex Rae (1 goal, 1 assist, 2 key passes, 2 chances created)
Excellent, another bit of hardware and we made £86k. Back in the black for the month.
As our final league match is coming up I get the privilege to attend a press conference. Yeah me! I try to avoid giving Mangotsfield “bulletin board material” and at the same time express confidence in my team. Let’s see how those scoundrels in the press manipulate my words. Actually, they didn’t really do that. “…confident of getting result.” Yep, I expect to win.
What I didn’t say is that I’ll be fielding the team of the future. A couple of kids from the Seniors and the rest from the U18s who will probably be starters next year. I foresee a massive sell-off come June and July. I gotta make the game a little harder, more realistic, so I’ll pretty much take any offer except for some true gems. (cough)Kemar(cough)
Speaking of Kemar…and stop me if I said this before, but, I plan to loan him out next year. Hopefully he’ll go to a Premier League team. I don’t know how we’ll keep him so I imagine I’ll have to sell him with a £10 million buy-back clause.
Has there ever been a team who had three matches in a four-match span that sees all opening goals coming from penalties? I’m glad we have! It’s almost as if the referees are my friends! We have almost completed a perfect league season and secured two trophies. I’m feeling confident we’ll close out the season with two wins and I’ll go down in the annals of history as the best football manager* ever.
* In the 8th level of the English pyramid. See, I can be humble.
